Veni, Vidi, Vici! LIES
by Darth Maximus
Summary: Jedi Master Georgio and his apprentice Max Taylorè, battling through stupidity, retardedness, and much more. As a new species threatens the existence of the galaxy, and only Georgio and Max can stop it, tensions heighten and explode.
1. Chapter 1: A Daye Gon Wronge

_**Veni, Vidi, Vici?! Lies!**_

**Summary:** Jedi Master Georgio and his apprentice Max Taylorè, battling through stupidity, retardedness, and much more. As a new species threatens the existence of the galaxy, and only Georgio and Max can stop it, tensions heighten and explode.

**Disclaimer:** I am sitting in a classroom with a teacher announcing maths scores. I'm very stressed out, I like marijuana, smoking isn't that bad for you, and I _think_ I don't own Star Wars.

PS: None of the above is true.

**A/N:** I...I don't know what to say. This brings out horrible memories of Georgio! J'deteste le George.

**G/N (Georgio's Note):** J'deteste le George... wait, is that right? Hmm. Oh, right, yeah it is. Edward Cullen has captured my liver.

Enough of my ramblings.  
-Darth Maximus

**Chapter One: A Day Gone Wrong.**

Jedi Master Georgio was in a high good humour as he strode through the Jedi Temple's corridors. But then again, he was rarely unhappy. But today, he was happy because he was going to be able to test out a new hair product. It was supposed to cut your hair whenever you wanted it to be.

Most other Jedi at the Temple steered very clear of Georgio. The reason for this was because, quite frankly, Georgio was a retard.

Every part of him just screamed, _idiot._ The right half of his hair was spiky and fluorescent green, while the left half of his hair was curly and neon pink.

Most unbelievable was that Georgio had a Padawan learner. An apprentice. Many Jedi had groaned when Georgio had made his choice. Max Taylorè had the highest midi-chlorian count ever seen. Well, that was exaggerating, but you get the point. The people groaned because they saw Max had so much potential. So much potential, put to waste because of the idiotic Georgio.

However, _somehow_ Max had become quite powerful, very well trained despite Georgio's limited training. Yoda claimed it was because of the high count of midi-chlorians.

Georgio steered down the corridor, until he came face-to-face with his apartment's door.

Literally.

Before Georgio could turn the handle, the door opened and an apprehensive face peered around the frame.

"Master."

Max's voice was cold, but Georgio took no notice.

"Hello, Maxy!" Georgio's voice reverberated around the room as he hung up his coat, without taking it off first. The result was that he was now hanging from a hook. He gave Max a crooked smile.

"Help me?"

Max ignored him and went back into his room, studying various stances and techniques. Georgio involved himself in a game to try and get himself off the hook.

Quite literally, as well.

* * *

"Wuaah!"

"Wuaah!"

"Wuaah!"

"Wuaah!"

Georgio was involving himself in a contest with himself. The objective was to see how many times he could say 'Wuaah!' and beat the previous count.

So far, Georgio was up to three hundred and sixty eight thousand, four hundred and seventy-two 'Wuaah!'s.

The man was impossible.

"SHUT UP!"

"Wuaah!"

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**A/N: ** Well, this is it. Hope I can update soon!


	2. Chapter 2: Welcome to Max's World

_**Veni, Vidi, Vici?! Lies!**_

**Summary:** Jedi Master Georgio and his apprentice Max Taylorè, battling through stupidity, retardedness, and much more. As a new species threatens the existence of the galaxy, and only Georgio and Max can stop it, tensions heighten and explode.

**Disclaimer:** I believe I can fly!! Fly high to the sky!! And I do _not_ own Star Wars. That's George Lucas' job.

And no, my name is not George Lucas.

**A/N:** Food.

**A/N v2:** There shall NOT be a Georgio's note today. wipes away bead of sweat

Enogh o' mah ramblins.  
-Darh Maximnuxs

**Chapter Two: Welcome to Max's World.**

"Maxy?"

Max ignored him and turned around in his bed.

"Maxy??"

"Maaaxxxy?"

Max considered punching him.

"Max?"

The urge was getting stronger.

"Max Taylor?"

His hand twitched.

"MAXY!"

_Kapow!_

"Ouchy Mama!"

Max groaned and sat up, rubbing his eyes.

"What do you want?" he asked a whimpering Georgio on the ground, who was clutching his arm and yowling.

"Maxy hurt my feelings! Not again!" he sobbed. Max merely rolled his eyes and climbed out of his bed.

"I said, what do you want?" he repeated, annoyed. He glanced back at his clock. It read 6:05 AM.

"What the heck?!" he yelled, fully incensed. "Why'd you wake me up so early?!" Georgio was immediately bouncing off the walls. Literally as well.

"I wanna throw a banana at Yoda!" he yelled in Max's ear. Max winced and massaged said ear.

"No need to say it so close," he muttered, then raised his voice. "Why do I have a bad feeling about this?" Later on, Max became one of the best practitioners of Farsight. Georgio grinned cheerfully and literally tugged Max out of the apartment. It was a miracle Max had actually managed to change into robes in that short amount of time.

"Come on!" Georgio continued to tug on Max's arm, hard. Soon, they arrived at their destination. Yoda was standing, teaching some Younglings. Georgio slowly and stealthily took out a beautifully curved, yellow banana. Max turned away, shaking his head in disbelief. Georgio took aim, and then threw the banana. Yoda turned at that split second, and used the Force to push the banana right back at Georgio.

"Ow!!" he yelped as the banana hit him on his noggin.

"Untalented you are, in the art of throwing bananas," he explained to Georgio. Max watched, smirking, and then asked Yoda a question.

"Why do you speak like that?" he asked curiously. Yoda smiled brightly and then proceeded to explain.

"Speaking like Yoda, sexy it is," he spoke gravely. There was muffled laughter from the Younglings. Yoda turned back to them to continue his teachings. By that time, Georgio had wandered off somewhere and Max had disappeared into a training room to practice his saber training.

* * *

"My Lord, do we have clearance to destroy Telos?" the hooded man kneeled in front of yet another hooded man.

"Yes, Darth Banana, my dear apprentice. Fire away," the man replied. Banana stood at once, bowed and strode away. He walked to the commanding deck, and barked out an order.

"Admiral Fruit, fire immediately on Telos," he ordered. Admiral Fruit, who looked suspiciously like a banana saluted, and turned to a control panel. An electric yellow beam of energy spurted

forth from the starship, into the planet named Telos.

* * *

The Senate was in an uproar.

"How is this possible?!" someone shouted. "Telos is just a pile of rubble now!"

More and more voices joined in, until there was just a loud roar of many voices shouting and yelling.

"Order, ORDER!" Supreme Chancellor Valorum ordered. The shouting was subdued immediately. "First of all, what has happened to Telos? The Senator of Telos may speak." The Senator from Telos guided his pod forwards.

"I was receiving a transmission from a friend of mine on Telos, when suddenly, he screamed that there was an incoming beam of light. I investigated the area where _Telos used to be._ It is now a pile of rubble floating in the middle of space!" he fell silent. Valorum locked his fingers together thoughtfully. Suddenly, there was a beeping from his comlink. Surprised, he activated it. The image of the second hooded man showed up. He spoke with a sinister voice that echoed all around the large room.

"I am Darth Vegetable," he said. "I am the current Dark Lord of the Sith, and it is I who ordered the destruction of planet Telos. My servants, the Bananas, who inhabit the planet Banana carried those orders out. This is a warning to the Republic! Do not meddle with us, or we will destroy you!" Vegetable ended the transmission with a strange cackling laugh which bounced off the walls. The Senate was completely quiet.

"This is bad news," Valorum sighed. "Inform the Jedi Order! We must get this sorted out. This session is over."

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**A/N:** Food! Also, click the review button and type in something. Thanks! :D

Darth Maximus


	3. Chapter 3: Space Wars

_**Veni, Vidi, Vici?! Lies!**_

**Summary:** Jedi Master Georgio and his apprentice Max Taylorè, battling through stupidity, retardedness, and much more. As a new species threatens the existence of the galaxy, and only Georgio and Max can stop it, tensions heighten and explode.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own SW, yada yada yada

**A/N:** Enter, food.

Enogh o' mah ramblins.  
-Darh Maximnuxs

**Chapter Three: Space Wars**

"I really am against the actions we are about to take," Mace Windu spoke at length, his words echoing off the Jedi Council's walls. "However, the threat of Darth Vegetable and his Bananas are extreme. We _must_ take action, no matter what happens."

"Hard, this decision is," Yoda agreed, bowing his head. The doors to the Council Room slid to the side suddenly, and Jedi Master Georgio and his apprentice Max appeared.

"Master Yoda! A Banana fleet has arrived out of hyperspace near the planet Bespin!" Max panted as he slid to a stop. Yoda immediately sprang to his feet, ready for action. Meanwhile, Georgio was busy scratching his nose.

"Has Chancellor Valorum sent a relieving fleet in return?" Mace demanded, also rising to his feet. Max nodded frantically, a piece of drool flying out of his mouth and landing on a Jedi Master.

"Yes, Master Windu. He's also suggesting that we leave, too!" he exclaimed. Yoda paused for a minute, and then nodded reluctantly.

"Leave, you may," he croaked out. "Be with you, the Force shall be."

**

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"Why did I agree with Master Yoda?" Max sighed as he expertly piloted his starship. Laser guns left criss-crosses of fire along his view, and there was a slight shudder as a glancing blow hit the rear of his ship. Next to him, Georgio sat down with a steaming cup of coffee in his hands, watching the space fight with a keen interest.

Max pulled back the controls and hit the trigger, blasting an enemy ship into one million, three hundred and sixty four thousand, seven hundred and seventy two separate pieces.

"There's the flagship!" he exclaimed and pointed at the heavy looking cruiser up ahead. Georgio threw away the cup of coffee and for once contributed to the fight.

"Let's go in there!" he sang, bouncing in tune to _Mary Had A Little Lamb._

Max sighed, but obeyed – what better than to destroy the flagship from within? Without the leading ship to receive orders from, the other ships in the fleet would be made short work of. Manoeuvring skilfully between bursts of laser blasts, Max guided the ship towards the Banana flagship.

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**

"There!" Jedi Master Georgio pointed towards a small hangar near the middle of the ship. "We can get off there."

"How?" asked Max, irritated. "There's a bloody shield in the way, unless you haven't noticed." Georgio grinned, making Max look away, as there were pieces of lettuce in his teeth.

"That's easy," Georgio said nonchalantly, and raised his hands. A second later, something exploded from within the hangar and the shield flickered away. Max rolled his eyes and moved the ship into the hangar.

"Looks like we're not welcome here," Max observed, watching two Banana guards heading their way, laser pistols in hand. He slid out of his seat and unhooked his lightsaber from his belt, grimacing as he did so. Recently, Georgio had provided Max with a fluoro pink bladed lightsaber to fight with. The handle actually wasn't that bad – it fitted Max's hand perfectly. However, Max hated the energy crystal that sat atop the lightsaber itself, which was hot pink in colour.

Nevertheless, he strode over to the ramp and activated it at the same time as his lightsaber. Georgio struggled with a nonexistent seat belt for a moment before deciding to stand up, and activated his lightsaber, which was a bright yellow for that day.

"What are you-" the guard didn't have another second to live before Max stuck a saber into his torso. Georgio gleefully skipped over to the other guard and threw an egg at him before carving his initials into his chest.

Next to him, Max winced.

A few minutes later, and the two Jedi found themselves in front of the control room's door.

"Any ideas on how to open the door?" Georgio grinned. Max's jaw dropped open.

_He's actually on task for once!_ His brain screamed at him. And then-

"Mm, this banana really tastes nice. Want some?"

_Oh._

"Oh..er...to open the door, right." Max activated his saber and then raised his hand. From inside there was a groaning of mechanism and the door sprang open, revealing the control room.

"Well this looks pretty dismal," Max observed, looking around and clipping his lightsaber onto his belt. Georgio did the same next to him, but sadly he forgot to de-activate it, resulting in a very close call and singed Jedi robes.

Max looked around the room, searching for a self-destruct button, while Georgio explored the room's limited dimensions.

"Why hello there!" he exclaimed suddenly, startling Max, who whipped around quickly. He scowled when he saw Georgio greeting the potential enemy.

A shadowy figure detached itself from the wall it was leaning against, and switched on a lightsaber, its blade humming slightly. Max noticed the slightly off-key colour.

"You know, for a Sith, your saber isn't red." His observation made the figure whirl around towards him. It brushed off its hood, revealing none other than Darth Banana.

"Shut up," Banana snapped, cradling his saber protectively. "My Master doesn't have such a great budget, being a Sith Lord and all, and could only spare a few credits to buy me this orangey-red crystal." He scowled.

"I see," Max smirked, using the Force to pull his lightsaber into his hand. He twirled it around expertly for a moment, and then activated it and lunged towards Banana.

Within seconds Darth Banana was on a full retreat. He jumped out of a window, and miraculously landed inside a space ship. Normally the vacuum that was space would have choked him to death, but in a strange twist of fate Banana was spared.

With a sigh, Max trudged back towards his starship.

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**A/N: **And another chapter of VVVL has arrived! Yay! Reviews would be nice.


	4. Chapter 4: Pressure Cooked Jedi

_**Veni, Vidi, Vici?! Lies!**_

**Summary:** Jedi Master Georgio and his apprentice Max Taylorè, battling through stupidity, retardedness, and much more. As a new species threatens the existence of the galaxy, and only Georgio and Max can stop it, tensions heighten and explode.

**Disclaimer:** SW is not mine.

**A/N:** Yay, chapters! Oh, and you know this is going to be bad by the chapter name...

**Chapter Four: Pressure Cooked Jedi**

Max dropped down onto the walkway, his booted feet making a slight _clang_ with the metallic catwalk. Georgio had insisted that he wear somewhat metal boots. Fortunately, being a Jedi and all that meant that Max could easily ignore the added weight. He cast his gaze about, scanning the large room that he appeared to be in and frowned, tapping his lightsaber against his thigh thoughtfully.

Suddenly, Jedi Master Georgio dropped from where he had been stuck on the ceiling, landing with a slightly louder noise than Max had, which rang around the room like an alarm clock.

Max winced. _Damn, there goes our surprise attack._

The master and apprentice had been tracking down the mining facility on the Outer Rim planet Apatros for a little under a week. They had been taking a reprieve from the heavy fighting that was now the norm between Republic and Banana and had been assigned to following a suspicious tradeship. After sneaking aboard the transport, they had been unknowingly taken to Apatros. Now they were in the middle of the facility that the cargo smugglers had been going towards.

A worker who had been on the walkway below suddenly looked up at Georgio, the source of the extremely loud noise. His eyes widened in surprise and he opened his mouth. A choked cry was all he managed before Max raised his hand. The worker toppled off the edge and landed with a _kersplat_ on the bottom floor. Ouchy mama!

"Let's go," Max whispered to Georgio as other workers started gathering around the fallen one. Honestly, sometimes he wondered whether Georgio or he was the Jedi Master.

He peered around the edge, taking a good look at what the miners were doing.

"_Cortosis_?" he asked, recognising the substance. Jumping onto the next platform, Max twisted instinctively, narrowly missing a laser bolt from a blaster. Swearing in Huttese under his breath, he activated his saber, scowling as the hot pink beam startled him. He jumped off the edge and landed amongst the workers.

_Where the heck are you?!_ Max screamed through their training bond, and was rewarded by a purple lightsaber nearly shaving his arm off.

"Sithspit!" he exclaimed, before turning around and chopping a miner in half. _About time._

Together the two sliced and diced the facility workers into millions of pieces, sabers whirling, spinning around in lock step...well, maybe not that last one. The two of them were as unlike as anything seen.

When all the workers laid smoking around the two Jedi, Max deactivated his saber.

"Well, I think-" he never got a chance to finish his statement because a saber sliced through the air, nearly decapitating him.

"What the hell?!" he yelled, turning around to face...Banana?

"Hi!" Darth Banana exclaimed, grinning at him from his strangely deformed yellow face. Behind him, Darth Vegetable swept into the room, casually igniting his slightly off-kilter red saber. Max grinned.

"I see you still haven't gotten a good employment job yet, Vegetable," he said cheekily, keeping his face impassive as his pink saber ignited. Vegetable snarled wordlessly.

"You'll soon have a reason to regret that, Jedi!" he spat, leaping forward to jab at Max. "Once my Banana troopers are outfitted with all this cortosis, we'll be unbeatable!"

Max paled. Cortosis was an extremely valuable and malleable material. It was extremely rare and if it was manufactured properly, could be used as armour. It could withstand the Force extremely well. Oh well. Focus on that later, since he had a Dark Lord of the Sith to beat.

"Wuaaah!!" Georgio shouted as he leapt forwards to engage Vegetable. Max sighed as he parried a clumsily made slash by Banana.

After a few minutes of intense battle, it was clear that Max was dominating the fight. With a simple uppercut he disarmed the Sith Apprentice and used the Force to push him into a wall, knocking him out of the fight.

After a few minutes of intense saber battle, it was clear that Georgio was losing the fight. With a simple uppercut Darth Vegetable disarmed the Jedi Master and used the Force to push him into a wall. Georgio grinned. Time for unorthodox tactics! He unveiled an egg and threw it at Vegetable and nimbly dodged a downstroke – Wow, using Force reflexes for the good! - at the same time. Max joined the fight soon after and started to beat back the Sith Master.

Until he dropped a pipe on both of their heads, at least.

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* * *

  
**

Max awoke to a ferocious pounding headache, and locked in some kind of cell. It had no walls, doors or windows but a soft light provided all the light he needed. His saber was gone and as he extended his senses to examine his new surroundings, he tripped over something. Georgio! A quick inspection showed Max that Georgio was unconscious but unharmed, and that he too was missing his saber, as well as several other surprise items, including his eggs, epic banana and a shovel.

Max raised both of his hands and shoved at the wall with the Force. He succeeded for about three point seven six seconds before it rebounded on him, throwing him bodily into the opposite wall.

"Ow," he mumbled, sitting up and seeing stars. Damn Darth Vegetable and his Sithspitting Ysalamiri/Cortosis coated walls.

A wall suddenly flickered to life, showing an image of the Sith Lord himself.

"Do you like your new accommodations?" he asked Max politely, sipping Earl Grey tea (freshly imported from Earth!)

Max glared at Vegetable. Vegetable ignored Max.

"Well, there is a reason you are in your cramped quarters," he continued. "You see, you are about to be pressure cooked!"

Vegetable proceeded to laugh maniacally. Max suddenly had a vision of himself in a strange white cloak, doing the very same laugh.

Suddenly the screen turned blank, even as Max attempted to punch it. He gradually became aware of the air growing hotter around him and his eye twitched. Pressure cooked Jedi! Think of what Master Yoda would say...

Georgio leapt to his feet, regaining consciousness.

"What's going on?!" he exclaimed, showing great mental clarity.

_This war is good for Georgio, he's actually thinking more,_ Max thought derisively.

"We're being pressure cooked!" Max yelled to him, beating on the walls with his fists. He glanced back and saw Georgio contemplating.

Georgio opened his mouth and Max felt a spark of hope enter him.

"We're doomed!" Georgio wailed dramatically, collapsing into a puddle on the ground. Max stared disbelievingly at him.

What had he been thinking? Georgio was right. They _were_ doomed.

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**A/N: **Lookie here, a new instalment of VVVL!


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